Gone Lawn
a journal of literature
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Gone Lawn 38
Autumnal Equinox, 2020

our 10th anniversary issue

Featured painting, Islands for Misfits and Wayward Girls: Message in a Bottle, by Chris Jeanguenat.

New Works

Andrew Jacono


Go Go Go And Never Come Back You Sick Man she screams and I run fast very fast and behind me in the doorway she keeps screaming Go Go Go And Never Come Back You Sick Man why does she keep saying that if she knows I'm leaving but maybe she can't see too well or she is crazy I can't tell for sure all I know is that I am never going to be in a store and talk to touch another woman I don't know again I am running and
Mama she is looking down at me her eyes are blue so blue I can see heaven and hell in her eyes Mama she is so beautiful she has always been so beautiful I love the way her hand feels on my forehead it is cool cool but me I am so hot she says I am sick and now the thermometer is in my mouth and the liquid all red inside the glass it is going up up up
I feel like crying I am so ashamed the woman she is still yelling Go Go Go And Never Come Back You Sick Man my ears hurt I can feel the blood inside them and everything is spinning the world is spinning the wind is hot spinning there is the road the road I will get on the road I will walk along the road I will ask somebody What Do I Do How Can I Find Her I will say Help Me I Need to Find Her
and she is starting to cry her eyes are only hell now no heaven but the hell is still beautiful I am dizzy the world is spinning I smell daisies like the ones Mama plants in the flowerpots in the garden in the backyard and then my eyes they go black I can feel the darkness and then they are not black and we are driving I am lying in the back in the window the clean car window there are lights bright in the street they are beautiful like Mama's eyes Where Are We Going my head says but my mouth can't say it
How Will I Find Her I am afraid Save Me I yell Save Me and someone he is a man he says What's Wrong Sir Are You Okay Sir and I say Save Me God Where Is She I Need to Find Her I am wobbly I grab his chest I realize I shouldn't have done that what if he's like the woman and he tells me to Go Go Go
because it has water in it thick or maybe is that blood I can't taste my tongue hurts my head is burning throbbing leaking burning I try to say Mama I Am Afraid but I just moan she is driving she is going fast God God The Devil speaking tongues in my head saying Die Nathan Die Mama is talking too I don't know who to maybe to me she is saying Oh God Oh God What Do I Do What Do I Do What Do I Do
but he doesn't tell me to Go Go Go he says Who Are You Looking For Sir why is he calling me sir I haven't done anything to become a sir Mama Mama I say I Can't Find Her Where Is She God and he just looks at me his eyes are dark they are not like Mama's they are cold dark and Mama Mama
I want to say Don't Do Anything Mama Just Hold Me Mama but I smell daisies again my eyes are black all black then they are not black again I don't know where I am there are lights again but they are bad lights terrible lights that can kill even God they are too bright my eyes are all white He Is Awake Sir someone says and someone else says Hold Him Down Get The Gauze Clean The Blood Off His Head And Out His Mouth then I smell daisies again
I start to scream and my hand is holding tight to his shirt the man has started to look very scared and I scream Without Her I Will Die and he is trying to push my hand away but I hold tighter he has to let me hold tighter or I will spin away and the world will go black and dead forever
and there is black black Is This What It's Like To Be Dead I ask but I don't ask out loud because my eyes are black and when my eyes are black there is nothing there is not even me there is no heaven there is no hell but Mama always says there is both
but now he punches my hand away he has big fat arms he pushes me I fall on my back and hit my head on the ground now my back and my head hurt sting I am crying I don't even try to stop the crying the man he is looking down at me his face is evil like The Devil's face what if he is The Devil where is God with his guiding light where is Mama Mama with her guiding light
and that God he will save us he will be our guiding light he will be my guiding light for me the Godgiven child but what if His light is the bad terrible awful light I saw before I smelled the daisies
and The Devil man he says You Are Fucked In The Head Son You Are Sick You Need Help he doesn't know what help is he doesn't know what it's like to be without Mama and then behind me I hear a voice it's familiar it's Mama's voice she is here she is coming to save me God God thank God I yell Mama Help Me Mama and then Mama is above me the sun is so bright white white behind her head she looks so beautiful
and now I am in a bed it is a comfortable bed it has blankets and sheets I feel sick and dizzy my head is sticky the room is bright above me I see Mama she is crying Mama she looks beautiful there is heaven in her eyes again she says Nathan I Love You I Thought I Lost You I want to say I love her back but I can't my mouth it doesn't move I can't make it move and there's a man with a white long coat he says
Nathan What Were You Doing says Mama she is still so beautiful after all these years she has always been beautiful she takes my arm she pulls me up she says Nathan This Is The Second Time In Two Weeks I am wobbly the world is spinning I am sorry I put my hand on Mama's chest I hold it there it is warm she looks scared sad scared she puts her hand on my face it is very cool and soft she says It's Okay It's Okay and I feel very cool with her hand on me and
You Were Very Sick You Had Some Very Long Seizures You Hit Your Head Very Bad But Now The Seizures Are Done Can You Understand Me I don't know what a seizure is but otherwise I kind of understand him and I want to say so but I can't I can't make him know that I understand and that makes me want to scream I do scream and Mama she covers her ears the doctor he makes a little gasp I scream I scream why don't words work
Mama she is hugging me that makes me feel safe safe calm she looks at The Devil man who pushed me she says I Saw You Push Him You Son Of A Bitch she is very mad I can tell because she is shaking she is cursing her voice is loud it hurts my ears then she coughs she coughs a lot she is old now very old she says If You Knew He Had A Disability Would You Have Done It Then and The Devil man says nothing he walks away and Mama looks so beautiful with her eyes they are wrinkled but they are still so beautiful they are full of heaven Mama Mama she walks me to the car she sees the woman who told me to Go Go Go the woman looks confused Mama says Sorry For The Trouble Ma'am This Happens To Him Sometimes He Thinks He's Lost Me He Gets Worked Up and I want to say I Did Lose You but I don't and my head still hurts the last time it hurt this bad I smelled daisies now Mama is putting me in the car she is strapping me in she kisses my forehead she says It's Okay Now Nathan and I believe her
my throat gets tired I stop screaming Mama's eyes are big they are beautiful they are tired too there are purple lines under them the doctor looks down at me he says Everything Is Okay Now I don't believe him he scares me with all of his horrible lights I start to cry I cry a lot the tears hurt why do the tears hurt then Mama gets in the bed with me she says It's Okay Now Baby and my head hurts my mouth hurts my whole body hurts I can't speak why can't I speak I keep crying I can't stop but now she is putting her hand on my head it is very cool it makes my whole body feel cool she says It's Okay Baby It's Okay Baby Mama Is Right Here and the more she says it the more I believe her

Andrew Jason Jacono is a proud Manhattan native who has been writing ever since he could hold a pen. His work has previously appeared or is forthcoming in Cleaver Magazine, Maudlin House, Thin Air Magazine, Cease, Cows and Green Briar Review, among others.